I never was the best nurse..I lack..any skill at all at healing, I break things. I am not the best at expressing things I need to either, and that was probably the worst time for me to be angry...but it just hurts me so much...I was harsh with my words...they just have a complicated relationship, some families are that way. I was just sorely feeling my own lonliness, and their ..stubborness, I would give my life to have a bond like that...it kills me to see them hurt each other through nothing more than misunderstanding.

I think I am a catalyst to my own drama, like iron filing to a magnet....I just draw all the little pieces together until I have created a swarming mass of problems to lay at my feet. I wish ..I wish so much that I could keep my mouth shut once in a while, I will never learn that way.

Right now...as I draw my fingertips across the water, and I wish only to feel it swirl softly around my fingers...feel the warmth caress my skin, but...I do not seem to have the gentle touch I need..I cannot connect with it. I can't seem to seperate my thoughts..I am blurred and ....blurred

Somtimes I need to be held, to be told it will be okay..sometimes, just sometimes....I need saving too.

I miss him, I tried to convince myself I didnt, but I do...I miss him, I miss Shorna, I miss Amzer, I miss Will, I miss Iso, I miss Talon...I miss so many people. Sunshine has been gone for a little while, only a few days, but I am feeling the loss of her presense..she really does lighten my life. I am worried for her, she's ...strong, but delicate, I do not like to see her in so much anguish, but I am at a loss to do anything that my lessen it.

Strangely...curiously..I miss the little Cleric..he's not gone long, he will be back soon I know, and yet I still seem to be missing him. I have a trust in him that I rarely encounter these days, trust is such a gift to be given, or to give...I guess I miss our candid talks, and his rare dark humour...I am not often that way, not with many..but he shares it so he sees it.

Shorna was that way, shared my darker humour...I miss her with such a longing, I worry for her...and for Emma also, although I can watch over her, and she knows I am always here, I worry about her pain, and now the new responsibility...I will have to check on her as much as I can.

I had a few really strange days with Spyne, we kinda argued...it worried me a little, we usually get along so well, but to be honest I was being a fool and I deserved his reaction...we dont talk as much as we used to ...and I guess I miss him too

My life feels a little lacking, I dont know why...my days feel...muted.

It was like nothing I have ever encountered before..I could not take my eyes from it. The whole of my skin seemed to tingle as I watched the words appear and fade...nobody has ever done anything like that for me before. For the first time in my life I actually felt that word, I actually felt it...I felt special, that he would go to the trouble..for me.

It was something so thoughtful, as I watched the names appear in the centre, I was speechless...it was more than words.

It seems like I make a decision, I answer or I take a step and then, something is done, said, remembered..that brings home how much I dont deserve it anyway....and makes me want to run and hide.

Right now I want to hide in the darkest depths of the ravine, never to surface. I cant deal with the problems, I cant run form them, I cant hide, I cant heal and I cant face them. How can one person cause so much by just being who they are. The only answer I can provide is ...I am not a good one..just being me is enough to bring pain and suffering to so many, and what right do I have to do so? How do you fix that? How do you stop being you? How many people can I attribute to my passing..to my touch upon the surface of the water...how many people have I hurt, repeatedly...is it wrong to live my life when just doing so...to the best of my ability, breaks people?

There is such a hunger in my soul...I need something and I am not ..I do not know what I am looking for anymore, or if I ever did. I stop and search the horizon often, wondering what it is I lost..all these words I hear, things that are said ...they leave me so empty...I cannot relate them to emotions. I need more than words. I am searching for the chimera, the unicorn, the mirage...the unreal. I will never feel...enough, because what I look for does not exist. The only thing real is to settle the heart, and stop searching for the unattainable. It's a figment, a fools paradise, I dont deserve even that much.

"You are like a flame... we are like moths... *sighs* unable to resist, even though it may mean burning at your touch"

That has stuck with me these past days, and caused me such turmoil. Is that what I am? What I do?...Do I burn to cinders everything that gets close, sabotage it with my own blind idiocy?

I want the ripples, but am I the wave?

Have you ever drawn you fingertips softly across the surface of a pool and watched the swirls and ripples? It's such a simple pleasure. The softer you touch the water, the lighter your influence upon it's pristine surface....the smaller the rippes you create. If you are soft enough..if you are gentle enough, with a steady hand, you cant make contact with the water with barely a sign of you passing. Or you can create a big splash, one of such force upon the water that it literally loses some of itself, spread so far never to regroup. There is a way to touch, a way to draw your fingers softly along, that creates the most intriguing and appealing designs, smal soft ripples that seep ever outwards, slowly working their way towards the edge.

I sit and watch the ripples. The big splashes, they make waves, causing such turmoil in the water..everything is moved, displaced, they waves reach the edge quickly and dissapate... swallowing all in it's path. As it calms...as the passing of the big splass ebbs away, the small ripples are all still there...softly caressing the surface as they take their time towards the edge, gaining in size, emcompassing more and more, creating another at the centre to follow in it's course.

In time, with no one to disturb it's peace..no whisper of the wind to coax it into play, the surface returns to it's placid state....no movement, no currents or wave...just relaxed

When you hear something often enough, does it become mundane? When something is said so much, used so much in so many different ways, by so many people....how can you even begin to believe it's truth? Or that it exists at all?...Actions speak so much louder than words sometimes. Words are lost in the splash...

I want the ripples.

Sometimes nothing can be done, sometimes there is nothing within my power to take it away. I feel so much more dejected and lost about my own life when I cannot bring a smile to another. Each failure on my part feels like a little cut, another chip at my armour....I know that sounds foolish, as I sit here letting my thoughts flow to the page I can hear how foolish it sounds, it's not a concept many will grasp.

Smiles are something that I treasure, the ability to bring one forth from another is something I cherish....such a pure gift, something I love to do..I try to accomplish. I hate seeing people down it troubles me and when I am powerless to affect that it leaves me so lost. I dont know why his reluctance..perhaps reluctance isnt the right word...apathy, it's a contagion..it bleeds from one person to another, feeding off each of our insecurities.

Three times today I have felt lost, unable to help in even the smallest way...it's left me feeling atrabilious...and I do not have the ability to grant myself smiles.

Why must I always make half a step towards something and then jump back like a frightened kitten. Am I that afraid of my ability to make choices? the right choices?..How cna I possibly expect to have faith and trust in anything at all when I cannot even trust myself to make my own decisions.

I'm not sure whats happening..if everything is crumbling or ..fixing somehow, but sometimes it seems like my life is made from grains of sand, cupped tentatively in my palms, and I am slowly watching them slip through my fingers. Watch as it spills back on to beach, drifts away, caught on the wind and lost. I can do nothing...nothing but watch. The tighter I seem to grasp at it, the faster the grains are lost....

I spent a long while with Shawna again last night, she has such a simple knowledge about things...such a calming intuative way of placing a new perspective on things. Love and hate are just words...and it's actions that count. On that basis my life is nothing at all..for I take no action, it scares me to the core to do so. I am sick of not taking chances, not on anything or anyone.

As I watch one leave another replaces the lost...it never ends..How can so many different people use the same word and yet I cannot see what they see no matter how hard I search for it?

The only answer I can return is that it's not truth.

Denial, one of lifes more interesting aspects. A human trait that bears no foundation in any form of logic. It cannot be deinied, as much as I have tried and for as long as I have tried to..it cannot be. Who am I lying to?

People ask me so often, are we together...no I reply.."why not?"...what real answer do I have to that? What real substantial, feasible answer do I have? Why arent we together? Am I still holding out hope for a love thats lost and gone...no, no longer, I banked the ring. Am I still picking up the pieces of my life and balancing myself out?...He's part of that, without him I wouldnt be able to.

Why am I so resistant to this? Am I that scared of screwing up, of what it might become...will I close myself of to having anything real or true again? What scares me so much about any form of commitment? Is it because I broke the only one I tried for? The only thing I fought for?..Or is it something else, a basis in my GGS.....am I afraid of being trapped, am I already?

We argued this morning, it caused me so much..turmoil, raised my hackles but left me resigned and dejected. Why must I always humiliate myself?...The nature of the arguement has made me stubborn, contemplating backing away completely. Denying the kindle of what could be and retreating. I feel..controlled and somewhat foolish.

We're not together, but...why not? We should be, I should be...but still I resist. How much longer can I find foolish excuses to hold back, before I have to face whatever it is thats keeping me back.

Another sponsee, he asked me some time back and I hadnt prepared for it. I am somewhat ashamed of myself in that respect, but with everything thats been going on it just got placed to the back of my mind...but I know everything I need to tell him, and what to prepare him for. I had forgotten what a joy being a sponsor can be.

Im just so tired today, I have no energy for anything at all..I cant think properly and my emotions are dulled...my apathy the only thing with any real grip on my life. I hate arguing with him, it frustrates and bewilders me. I felt so lost as he sat there and told me what was wrong, things I had no answer for.

I just can't think right now

"We are here in this world for one thing...and that is to be happy. If you are not happy, you are doing something wrong... "

The meaning of life, courtesy of Shawndora

I love how she shines a simple, direct light on everything....it's refreshing, uncomplicated...we are here to be happy...Im doing something wrong. The question is what? Am I resisting happiness? Have I always been? Do I unintentionally sabotage everything..on, I assume, the basis that if I break it before it happens, then I cannot lose something so profound? Or am I just not finding it? Is my own stubborn pride or my blind foolishness just not allowing it through. Am I looking in the wrong places? Am I attributing happiness to love?

She said something else...she is full of the simple knowledge of life I think, but she said something that made me stop and think. How am I perceived...and ..is she right?

"Cel is Cel...special, but her heart is...her own.."

Is that what I am doing wrong in this life?

Tired, lonely, dejected, apathetic and lost.....why do I bother? What purpose do I serve?

What has happened to me? How can it have had such an effect on me...I dont know how I... I was talking it over and suddenly I just felt the weight bearing down on me. I felt exposed and open..lost and adrift. I wanted the safety of the oppressive blackness. Perhaps I wanted to finally be consumed by my ravine. The more I talked, the more wanted to retreat to the silence, to where it was safe. I have never felt so stripped bear..even though I had said hardly anything at all....even though nothing had changed, nobody could suddenly see to my soul or hear what I was thinking...I felt open..everything was too open...retreat, I just wanted retreat.


Shawna ..I think I have worried her...I did not realise how much it had affected me

Did you ever spend 6 marcs with someone and not say a single word...and yet not need to at all....just be so comfortable in each others company that you've no need to speak. Sometimes actions speak so much louder than words.

It's harder work than I anticipated, ..no, thats not quite true...there have just been more issues than I thought there would be. I havent moved much from one spot for days..I havent trained at all and I have hardly farmed. I really need to get some kind of time management...but I've no motivation to train.

Xaphious...I do not feel I have praised him enough...I havent expressed how grateful I am towards him... he is such a kind and wonderful person. My life is enriched just to know him...Im so lucky to have shared that experience with him...and I will repay him, slowly...but I will.

Shawndora...just an amazing woman that I could not do justice to with mere words alone. Her courage, loyalty, tenacity, humour, easy manner and warm smile are something that I will cherish endlessly...she has so many virtues it's astounding. She's an angel.

Corum..always helpful, no matter what..fun, friendly, entertaining and officially the sexiest badass rogue that I know, enough that he can carry a pink weapon and still look good. Time spent with him is always a smile..and for that I am so very grateful.

Sharing what I did with them means I have become...attatched to them in some way, as foolish as it may sound, when you share an experience as harrowing...at least for I...it creates a great respect and love for the people that endured it with you, and made the time bearable. I want to keep them in my life for as long as they will have me...they are blessings

It's nice to be wanted, nice to feel the company of people and see the warmth of their smiles....yet, I have the feeling it's so much more in depth, so much more of an emotion to be needed..needed for your mere presense alone..needed purely because you make things easier, or better, or because you help in some small way by just being you. I would love to be that for someone, I long to be that for someone. I have responsibilities, people who need me for enchantments or to deal with one problem or another....but I wish I had someone that needed me just for me. I know that sounds selfish and perhaps a little conceited...to think I could mean that much to someone...anyone..is a presumption on my part.

I imagine it would give me something, I feel lost. I just want a place, somewhere, people to keep happy, keep smiling. I want to be needed, to feel needed....not just for what I can do but just purely for who I am. Friend, leader, enchantress, partner, lover...I dont know....I want to be needed for just Cel, just for being me....no expectations, no strings or requirements attatched to it...

Is life that way?...Does anyone else feel this way?....and is it a reflection of what I feel is lacking in myself...I need to feel needed because I am not happy with me, not happy with who I am.

Sometimes, just sometimes...what is it that I am missing?

In the end I am just Cel, and all else is words and dust

Time seemed to blur after that. I have no recollection of whether I slept, ate, drank...I was not coherent at all. The weight of the walls was bearing down upon my bones and my mind was reeling with the things I knew I would surface to. It flits through my conscious as though it was all a dream, images and emotions, words, actions and senses...all merged, I cannot seperate what was truth from what was my mind working overtime.

I remember waking..well before the rest were even beginning to stir...time was passing odly, it did not seem to follow it's usual passge, or perhaps my perception had been warped by the marcs spent in the dark. Shawna was the first to wake...we knew by the relative silence that no beast was around yet...so we sat, and enjoyed the marcs as best we could until the others awoke...and it would be time to fight. She talked a little of her life, her love for the guild and her sword...she...I remember helping her a long time back, when she was perhaps level 22...I do not know why we never kept in touch.

Xap woke, and with Xap, woke the beast...perhaps he has a sixth sense for these things, I do now know...but he always seemed to be there and Corum still lost to his dreams, he looked so peaceful..oblivious and unaffected by his surroundings at all. We knew how much we had to weaken the demon, and we knew it could be done. The fight was much the same as the ones before...and this time I did not even allow my emotions to come in to play. I blanked what was happening..if I didnt see I couldnt feel, there would be no sympathy to be given.

Xap went in first...Shawna and I staying well back, she seemed so confident about her task...much more so than I had been for mine. We could hear the screams of the beast as Xap fought...I felt so lost..standing there, waiting..he called out to me...I could hear his exasperation, he was trapped...I ran in, he was holding it back by his will alone I think. I was left in awe of his tenacity, of his sheer strength. It was my time to fight...I do not remember much I tried so hard not to think..not to see..at some point we called Shawna..it was time we had done all we could to weaken the beast. She showed not the slightest bit of fear at it's presence, like she knew that to present it with a weakness would only spur it on. Warriors, have their own style of fighting...not like the dance of the rogue but...a concept unto it's own..mesmerising in a way I cant explain..I did not even see the beast fall it was so clean...the cleanest of our fights so far....she bent to pick up the blood and I stood there stunned.

It was done...we all had it. I no longer had to stay in this stinking evil pit. I would have left right then and there...but Corum was still not awake, and I could not leave him there to wake without us...we had started together, we would finish it that way. Xap went to train and Shawna and I sat talking again...she was so happy it was just a joy to share in it. Time moved on, still no Corum..still lost to his dreams..Shawna had to leave so I told her to go and I would wait...I was not there long before the rogue finally deigned to open his eyes...

The rest is pirate ale and sunshine...of that I am glad

I will always have a bond with these people now...three days in a hole does things to you. They are special people...people I will cherish and I am so very lucky to have met and known them

Thank you

There were the usual moments of jubilation and congratulations...Corum, as is usual I gather, woke in time for the ale. Again we sat and talked about the fight, about what we had learned and what we could add to the next fight...to Shawnas fight.

It's strength was fairly relative, only it's fury changed in measure..only it's tenacity to stop you from retreating far enough to heal...like it learned from each fight as we did. But in the end it was four against the beast....it was going to happen sometime

We moved back to our little camp, Corum falling back into his slumber alomst immediately and Xap staying awake only briefly. I felt for Shawna, she had watched us all battle the demon, been a part of every fight and hers was the hardest to come. It would be the most difficult.....and so we waited...we sat for a very long time..Shawna and I, just talking and dealing with the birds... i has been a long time since I opened up to someone in that way...perhaps it was that hole, perhaps the fight and the look in the beasts eye as it passed from this world...I do not know, but it released me. She and I shared the bond of hardship in that destitute place.

We slept...or at least I was unconscious for a time..Im not sure if you can actually attribute a description of sleep to it. I was haunted by pools of blood and wicked echoes of dying breaths. In my waking moments as well as my dreams. I cannot remember how or when we roused, but I do remember we were all awake, having just opened our eyes...and we heard it...heard it's frustration as it caught our scent on what little breeze stirs in the pit. So again we made the short trek back to it's lair, the sound of it's snarls reverberating deep in my core. Corum went in to weaken it...knowing we needed it bloodied and bruised. He fought like a rogue..like the best of rogues. His agility..his speed...I could never hope to obtain anything so..I do not have words...he danced where I would have bludgeoned...his fight making me feel clumsy just to watch. Luck it would seem was not with him...for just as the beast seemed to be weakening it turned on him. Perhaps upset frustrated with how well Corum was able to evade him....but the beast backed him into the far corner, guarding him like some prize...daring us to try and pass. Xap and I stepped up..demanding Shawna conserve her energy should any of us fall. Fought...again I fought, and each time I advanced I saw that glazed look. I dont know how I managed to continue...I guess only because it was the fight for my life...but it caught me, me and Corum stuck..bruised and bleeding, one more attack from the beast and we were down. Shawna...time for Shawna to come...she is amazing, I cannot express how her courage and quiet confidence inspires me. We knew it was going to be a challenge....and as valliantly as she tried the beast caught her...all three of us in that corner, unable to move..just standing, watching the demon as it prowled around us. Xap...gods...Xap...he saved us, yet again, yet again.....but it meant no blood.

I felt so much for her then..for all of us...but it didnt matter, I wasnt leaving this damnable hole until every one of us came out with blood. You live and you learn....each encounter taught us more, prepared us for the next fight. Back we went to the camp..Corum dealt with his wounds as we talked over the plan, then ..as is wont with Corum, he fell into a deep sleep. I would attribute it to his age...but, I think perhaps he is just not used to the excitement anymore.


That was when he woke. When he woke and shattered my thoughts, shattered what I thought was real. I will never forgive him for deciding on it while I was trapped, and refusing to wait....but, it's what he neded...and thats all that matters. Shawna and I talked long into the night...she was there for me....for that I will never be able to repay her.

I woke yesterday...no one had risen yet...they all looked, not peaceful, but like they needed the sleep..I left them to enjoy what little rest you can manage in this place ...I do not know how or when sleep finally overcame me, but it must have. I remember brief flashes of my dreams.. images of fear and blood...sounds work strangely here...they do not behave as they do in the open...I am starting to feel the pressure of the walls around me, pressing in against me...it's so dark down here, I do not know how Corum and Shawna are coping. The only reason I can see anything at all is for the blessing of my weapon. Without what little light I have, I think I would be losing my mind down here. They sleep more than I...they seem to find it easily....I cannot, it does not come until exhaustion is driving it.

Xap woke...he ran to see if the demon and reformed...and there it stood, staring back at him in full fury. He retreated back to us and roused us from the stuper that seems to consume you here. I am awake...but Im not sure I am coherent...it's wearing at my nerves. I think I will cry when next I see the sun. Corum, was lost to his dreams, and Shawa had just opened her eyes..we bundled out of our cloaks..and ran to the demon, enchanting ourselves randomly as we ran. Xap went in...our experiences of the day before had taught us vital lessons about the beast. He fought it..like nothing I have seen...just relentless in his attack...when it was weakend...he called me. I was so afraid to face the beast again...but I crept slowly back into it's lair..it was bleeding and backed into a corner...but fierce, scared..I could see it's fear flashing at me....it wasnt fighting from anger...it was fighting for it's life. I almost faltered....I almost faltered in my resolve...I didnt see a demon I saw an animal....I am not as strong as the others. I pulled together every last ounce of my will and I started to fight..slash and retreat..it's claws, it's reach....it just ...it's like fighting a mountain. After what seemed like an eternity...my muscles were water...I could barely stand let alone fight...it almost caught be so many times..trapped me in it's lair with no retreat...but finally, as I drew my blade once more to hack..I had no strategy left, there was no finesse to my fight, no real fight...just blind damage...it fell, it fell in front of my eyes...it's lifeblood spilling over my feet..pooling around them. I stood there, glancing down at the last breaths of the demon I had just slain...I caught it's gaze..it stared up at me, eyes glazed..I could see it's confusion, register it's thoughts...it didn't understand it was the last moment. it couldnt grasp what had just happened..these people, these creatures...in it's home, causing pain and destruction....I had empathy for it...I wanted to cry and yet I wanted to scream in jubilation...as I knelt to take a little of it's blood into my jar...and I watched it's ...what I can only describe as a chest...it's torso...heave for the very last time, I sent a prayer up for that demon....

I guess I am a fool

He did it, not one more moment of his time..I will never forgive him for not giving me that..I deserved it, after everything..he had no explanations...I asked him if it was to do with me..he said ..some...he's left me with a guild I didnt start..on my own...Im on my own...he left me

I cant do this on my own...it's his guild, I have no choice..he leaves me no choices...would he have stayed?..how long, how long will he leave me like this?.....this is all my fault. I'm backed into a corner...I dont even want to face people and I have no choice but to...I cannot believe he has done this....I would have begged...I would have begged him, on my knees and with every ounce of what little is left of my dignity....he used my own morals against me, he knew I would not come out of this hole.....I will never forgive myself...was it too late? yes..it obviously was too late. I feel like I have just had my soul torn out....Im so confused, I dont understand...how can I possibly do this. I cant do this without him...he left for a week and I was a mess....I dont even know how long he will be gone..the whole guild is confused...and somehow I have to overlook my own confusion and deal with it. I was never meant to lead anything...Im not cut out for it...

He leaves me no choices...I still love him

I hate this hole...I hate this demon, I hate this quest

I hate this place....I am sat here while my world crumbles around me...I cannot face anyone, I cannot see the look in their eye...I am stuck I am trapped while everything I have strived for collapses....I hate this place....Im so totally alone, I cant breathe anymore..........I hate this place

Im so lost

I almost completely forgot..I had the oddest experience with a little initiate friend of mine. I spent quite alot of the time before I came into the evil hole with him. It was an interesting experience, he is surprising for one so new to adventuring...he's a joy to talk to, and he keeps my brain ticking over in my moments of boredom...

The little enchanter woke just before I decided to try and resign myself to sleep..he says he worrries for me...I do not know why, I must come across as troubled, which..is not something that I am surprised about...and he reads far too much into these words of mine

Perhaps the night will not be so long...I have much to think on

Im sat here with my journal im my lap..writing by the light of my UW...Corum, Shawna and Xap are sleeping fast already...but I cannot seem to find rest at all. The beast was..ferocious..more than I had expected...and reluctant to let me go. It seems endless, and the dank dark atmosphere is pressing at my nerves. I can just about see Corum wrapped in his cloak, each of his breaths slow and deep, he must be weary, it was a long fight. My light does not cast far enough to catch anything but Shawnas feet, but I can hear her breathing softly. Xaphious is somewhere to my left..I am not entirely sure...my eyes are too quick to deceive me in this vile place. The echoes reverberate around the walls and are amplified one thousandfold, drifting back to assail my ears to vibrate the very bones of my body. The blackness is oppressive... perhaps this is what the depths of the ravine feel like, close and heavy..walling you in.
It took what seemed like a gods age to prepare and wait..and then, what seemed like mere flits of time to get where we needed to be. I was stunned...I thought it would be a long an arduous trek to the beast...it was short, and with the four of us it was no problem at all. What I did not realise is the beast itself is the trek, is where the exhausting task lies...and still lies ahead of me, and Shawna also. I have to commend Corum...he agreed to spend the night in this hell hole with us, to help us out tomorrow, and Xaphious...he is the whole reason I am here..that any of us are here. He is such a good man, I will repay him and find away to repay this act of kindness he has shown me also....somehow...

It will be a very long hard night...of that I am sure. I do not think I can sleep in this place. No matter how much I wish to..what rest there is to be found will be broken by the sound of my own heartbeart drumming in my ears and the feel of the darkness as it pushes against my skin.

Corum finally killed the beast after Shawna and I got caught trying to retreat from it's rage..I fought for a long while before the demon finally overcame me...but there was no more I could do..Shawna came bounding in..and it was a much harder fight for her. I could see each blow was hitting home hard...I was amazed at her tenacity. She just stood firm in the face of it's fury...a woman I will forever look up to..her courage is undeniable. Corum, ever the gentleman wanted to allow us the chance first I think...but when we were both stuck staring into the gaping maw of a beast daring us to try and retreat from his path again....he had no choice but to rescue us. His fight was just as laborious...his ..purple..UW slashed angrily with each vicious stroke...I think the beast almost had him once...it will allow you to face it but do not dare turn your back for it will tear into it..I darent lean back against the wall, the gashes are deep I know...it almost broke my back in two...it hits so hard, like nothing I have ever faced...I have no Cleric and I am apprehensive about whether these wounds will scar..I shall not see them, so it makes no matter to me I suppose.

As the beast fell I could feel the tension seep from my body..I had been stood there facing it's wrath for what seemed an age...as it tore into Shawna and Xap, as it almost took every ounce of life from them...helpless, uttely helpless to do anything other than stand and watch. I ached to slide my weapon between it's ribs...but had I died the others would never have forgiven me. Corum bottled a little of it's blood, cradling his prize safely into his pack...I do not blame him...when I face the beast again on the morrow I shall come away with it's blood...of that..I am adamant

I did something today...before I sent myself into this vile abyss....I finally banked it. It has been so long, I will never ever get rid of it....but it was time to stop carrying it with me. Looking at it 50 times everyday was slowly killing me I think...it's done.

As I sit here writing..unease filtering to every muscle of my body....a bird found me. How in Valorn a bird managed to fly into this place I will never know...but it found me...and it's note made me smile. A poem, at just the right moment...words I needed at just the very momentI was feeling the strain....it made me remember others are thinking of me

Thank you so very much Spyne...I think that saved me from more than I can explain this night

It's not the terms that changed my mood....it's the fact he set it at all, that he took a challenge...it made me feel....less....especially when he has seen how much something like that affected me last time. I would have thought....but thats my problem isnt it..my expectations....

Im a little less worried about it, it seems he is okay..and not avoiding me. I'm so very glad of that.

I have always preferred honesty to untold truths. As many truths as I seem to hold, even though not disclosed to everyone I am always honest to the people involved, or when asked. It's true once said it cannot be taken back...but we, as humans, have the undeniable ability to glaze over any imperfections when it suits our needs. When we reiterate it to ourselves enough times we even believe it. The rose tinted glasses are convincing when it's all you wish to see.

It would seem I spend my days missing people...I do not know how or when I managed to let so many people become integral to my everyday life. Even when I am surrounded by people, I cannot help but feel lost sometimes.

Xap said he would take me for the blood..Im apprehensive about it, I have such an inbuilt ability to screw up and it would be just like me to manage something stupid. Although now I have some serious farming to do..he paid so much for it, I want to give him more than half back.....spiders ugh

Vacations are hard work...I am Sure slacking used to be easier...so much easier. Bah
I finally, after 100's of guardians, I finally managed to collect myself an elusive blue. I was stunned when it dropped...and I was tempted to just hold on to it for a while...just for the sheer joy...but my curiousity, as is usual, got the better of me and I wandered out of the caves and up to the statue of Ben. I lovingly, longingly drew the crystal from my pack...edging it closer to the statue, marvelling to myself at my fortune with every inch. As I placed the crystal into the slot and the light around me increased until I was momentarily blinded..my anticipation at my prize was palpable. Any passing adventurer would have thought me a tittering school girl. I regained partial sight and noticed the scroll on the ground, still giddy in my excitement I picked it up and carefully unravelled it. Stopping to read the title at the top of the page...I do no remember the next fe moments at all...I think I may have had a small apoplexy...perhaps I blacked out..I dont know..I can feel my stomach churning as I write. The parchement, was a duplicate. There are 17 blue spells in total, I have only 2....and I manage a dupe...therein lies the story of my life

It was a crazy morning, Im not reallly sure how it will define our friendship from now on...Im a little worried that he will just retreat from me, and no longer feel he can be open..I would hate that..and it's been running through my mind all day.

It would seem that finally he is back on his feet....I was so happy to see him grinning and joking, but the selfish quiet side of me, the part thats so reluctant to go forward, was sighing. I hate that about myself...I wish I could just feel genuinely glad for him without that niggle of loss and regret. It's been long enough.

Gareth was miserable, I get so worried when I see him that way..I wish I knew how to take it all away for him..he helps me so much with everything, I want to be there for him also...but sometimes I just do not seem to impact on his mood at all...I dont know

Im worried sick about Amzer now..I wish I could see him...just for a moment, just to know he's okay

Ever had just the oddest of experiences...one of the ones that totally warps your perception of everything. Where confusion and misinterpretation seems to be the ground rule of the day. Your stomach is a tight ball of knots, your mind is racing through the entire spectrum of emotions and back again and logic plays absolutely no part in your cognitive process whatsoever. I think thats every moment of every day in the life of Celestia...

The amount of comments and questions these seemingly innocent pages throw up astounds me...these are just the passing thoughts of a quiet mind. All this is often written in the heat of the moment...and rarely thought through....for a woman who reiterates to herself so often about guarding her words...it's foolish how much I do not within my world of pure thought....I forget how much it affects others lives

I talked to him, and as is usual I was utterly wrong and stupendously foolish...but he expects nothing less and I never fail to deliver on that account. It was easier than I thought, I was expecting such a battle...but you cannot be indignant when faced with facts to the contrary...I guess I somehow wanted to lessen my guilt with his...thus adding to my own a little more...but I have so many things to hold guilt over that it has become a mantle across my back...my defining characteristic. As soon as I had seen him I felt better though ...I thought I would not trust his words and ...that was not the case at all.

Again I have to praise the Cleric...he is always there for me, he listens and allows me to do whatever I have to....be it scream, shout, cry, throw things.....he knows how to deal with each of my emotions..he's my sounding board, my foundations...without him I would be a struggling heap of incoherent emotions...not that I am far from it...but he keeps me grounded. I have no way to thank him for what he puts up with. He is often a witness to the anger thats bottled inside...him and the spiders..never directed at him, but vented around him...for that I am so thankful.


Sunshine said something to me today that made me feel so good about myself...just for a moment...and every time I think back I wonder how I accomplished it. I do manage good things, in amongst all the awful atrocities I manage to dredge up...I do ..sometimes, manage something good. I am so very glad she attributes at least a part of her confidence..or perhaps lessening in bashfullness..to me. She is such a warm and vibrant person. It is time the world saw it.

Today is the most content I have felt in such a long time, I have no explanation for it...no reason for my switch in mood...perhaps the tears released something I did not know was there....but I have felt more at ease..less troubled. Still confused, as the very nature of my life is built and bustled around the concept...but more readily willing to let it untwine itself

Betrayal....the strength of that one word is incomprehensible. It stirs a guilt inside me that I cannot begin to deal with. My betrayal, an end to things...my honesty the cause of such. I make no excuses nor tell any lies...it was what it was, I allowed it to happen when I should not have, and I guess the scars ran to deep to be overlooked.

I feel sick, my body is trembling, my mind ticking from indignation to the deepest sadness. There are tears falling unchecked..I watch as they splash to the ground, tumbling from my cheeks. After everything that has happened, to find out now is....is the worst way. I spent time in the blackest abyss after he said those words to me..'betrayal' it reverberated around in my soul for days on end, hearing it spoken over and over again.

And it would seem I am not the only adept at equivocation...a lie is not just an untruth..If you neglect to mention a truth, although you do not lie...it has the same affect...secrets. I have given honesty, even when to do so was to break everything I had worked so hard for...I do not blame anyone else for the outcome..but, how can I be so judged..how could he use the word betrayal to me when evidently he was in the same postion long before....

"I believe...no I KNOW that love is something to be shared only between two people"

Everything I thought was real has been shattered...how many other untold truths? How many other things happened? I ALWAYS gave my honesty and I paid with my heart

I will talk to him about it, to do so will break me all over again I know.....but I need to know what else...........

Hope is a word the destitute use when they wish to convey the last of their energy into a lost cause

It was the easiest, most natural time I have spent with him since...well since I screwed up. For once it wasnt awkward, not strained..for once he didnt run from me..there were no frowns, and only one sigh and ..for once....I was not the cause of it. All things in consideration it should have been more awkward and yet...it's glazingover the parts we do not wish to deal with I guess....I guess alot, and know very little

Apprehension:- anticipation of adversity or misfortune; suspicion or fear of future trouble

Scared, everybody is so scared of the reactions of others. So scared what their words and actions will cause...they never drop their barriers. Once words aer spoken then cannot be taken back, not retracted...they are only heard, but it does not mean it will break something or change something...I dont know, I am ...adept...at saying things without ever really saying anything at all, so I know all about equivocation...but it seems we are all so guarded, myself included...how do we ever get anywhere at all...how can we possibly expect to build lasting bonds with anyone...I dont know

How did my vision become so clouded that I began to miss the simple things in life? The simple pleasures of my surroundings?. The sweet chorus of the birds at dawn, unshattered by the bustle of human movement, pure an clear. The whisper of a gentle breeze as it brushes past my cheek and stirs a quiet dance from a stray lock of hair. The warm caress of a ray of sunlight upon my skin as it bursts forth resplendently from the clouds, like the smiles of gods. The feel of the earth beneath my bare feet as I wander the realm, from the baking sands of the desert to the rich soil of the forest, dry and soft, lush and heady. The fresh smell of a bright summers day, full of the promise of blue skies and glorious sunshine, of dragonflies dancing upon the surface of the lake and the quiet hum of the bees among the roses. The brilliance of the moon at it's full, in a cloudless sky full of thousands upon thousands of tiny shimmers as the stars cast their light down upon the earth. The sweet scent of the night blooms as you meander through the fields, Jasmine and Midnight candy, the fresh aroma of the grass that ineveitably has the ability to conjure forth memories long since confined to the dark recesses of the mind. The feel of water flowing between my fingers, cool and clear, softly embracing my skin, billowing around it, filtering through. The thumping sound of a heartbeat as you press an ear to anothers chest....the way it reverberates through your body...such a small sound, the way your own pulse seems to slow and beat in counter rhythm

The simple things, the pleasures we miss because our brains tick over at such a high speed..so filled with the mists of confusion, or pain or regret. Blinded by the sounds of our own thoughts that we can no longer listen to our senses, not just feel, hear, see, taste, smell..without it becoming jaded with thought. I wish I could clear my mind to appreciate all this...to listen to the temptation of my senses and not the urgent push of my thoughts.

If I could, I would spend eternity experiencing it all...as it is, I shall only spend a lifetime. I hope this will serve as a reminder for me to stop..and just..be... for a while

Everyone has a story to tell, everyone has something or someone to tell about...everyone has made a mistake at least once in their lives, and everyone has neglected to learn from it at least once. Most people have loved, all people have lost....everyone has cried, everyone has hurt...everyone has told at least one lie in their life....no one is completely innocent...everyone is essentially curious, our choices are not dictacted solely by ourselves. Everyone needs and craves laughter...most people need companionship...for most...happiness is a fleeting shadow that crosses the path every so often...for the lucky few...happiness is a lasting feeling of completeness...everybody dreams, some people turn that to hope, some to reality...most leave it filter back into the subconcious.....everybody essentially wants whats best, but differ in their opinions of such.....most people are good people....some are lucky to know many...some are lucky to know few....most people feel lost at some point, confusion strikes in every mind.....most of us want things we cannot have, most learn to accept they cant, some change things until they can..and some lose themselves when thats not possible....everybody has seen something they consider as beauty....everybody has responsibilities..not everyone upholds them...all people want to be liked, if not by the masses at least by the few...everyone is special, everyone is unique....everybody has known someone that makes them smile....anyone can form a connection....everything is worth a second chance, everyone should be allowed to make mistakes...to err is human...everyone has given up at some point, and most people will again...everyone has broken a promise, if only by chance....the lucky people have laughed in pure joy...the lucky people have forgotten about their problems for a brief moment...everyone has problems. Things break, things fix, things change and things dont...acceptance is something people learn over time...innocence is something lost with time, suspicion is something gained with age...wisdom is not...most people, all people...will feel betrayed at some point...everyone will clash with a person sometimes...some bonds are never broken, only forged anew...everyone has a secret...lucky people have someone they tell their secrets to...some people can express things, some people cannot...some people have the wonderful ability to make both feel at ease...the greatest gift we can give is a true smile...a small, unadulterated burst of happiness....everyone gets angry, everyone overreacts at some point...some people are used..everyone will feel used..all people do foolish things

Most people have a ravine...everyone has something they can share

Perfection is a perception based on the mind and the senses...everything has a beginning, everything has an end.....its the parts in between that we cherish

Words are the currency of the soul..we deal in them daily..remember you can scar or heal with them

Everyone has regrets

Im not sure what relevance this has...or why I needed to write it...perhaps to remind myself we are all human, we are all just trying to find our way through...but it all seems right..

Why do I bother.....I dont even know what I have done, and yet ...

While his mere presence can make me smile...he can make me feel awful in the next breath, and for what I do not know

I dont want to play all these games anymore..Im tired, so very weary ....why can nobody say what they mean? Why can they not just come out and be honest....I wish for my innocence returned..I want to turn back the clock..I want to not be jaded, not be blurred...

Im just tired, and...slowly become indifferent to everything....numb perhaps. I feel like my soul is sighing

I lost my journal for a while...I sometimes do not realise how much I have come to need this...even though I cannot justify it's purpose, nor can I see how it aids me in any way...I have come to rely on it to ..just blurt...when I need to run things over in my mind..if I cannot do it I feel lost.

I could not keep the grin from my face..no matter how much I tried, and it frustrates me..why after all this time..after everything, after I have tried so hard..why does his mere presence posess the ability to make me smile...

How do you stop an involuntary reaction....How can I ever expect to gain a little purchase in my life when I keep slipping back to my past....It's been long enough, and yet I am still stuck

We talked all morning...and eventually I felt better about it, more sure he was okay and he set my conscience at ease a little.

I killed it...I was only trying to help when he called and I accidently slew the beast..I have no idea how I am going to begin to make that up to him. He seemed so dissapointed in me. It was heart wrenching to see him so dejected about it.

I'll have to think of a way

It's amazing how a few small words can bring about such a dramatic and instant change in my mood and my whole way of thinking, and make me see myself for what I truly am. When he asked me I answered as mundanely as I always would..confident in my knowledge..and then he said those words...and it all just hit me. It seems I glaze over what I do not want to see..I always have I think..on occasion, when I have my blackest of moods I can see it...when I look unto my soul and really search myself...thats when I see..when I read back over my entries I can feel the times when I saw myself...

Both the little enchanter and the new rogue asked me ..and when I tried to come up with my reasons...all of which I was so sure were valid and fair..all I seemed to be able to spout was..'it's complicated'.....

I would attribute it to my fear...but that would be lying to myself, I would attribute it to my need to heal...but that would be lying to myself.....Do I attribute it purely to the GGS?

I have tried to convince myself so many times of the fruitless endeavour of having hope...and yet I cling to it even when there is none...or I cling to the remnants of what could once have been viewed as hope...

There is a point when your words lost their potency, lose their meaning entirely...if repeated often enough but with no real backup...they become nothing more than sounds, with no feeling attached. Like a threat always stated but never carried out. Is that how it's seen...when I say things and do nothing...will my words lose their potency?..will they become nothing more than sounds, which provoke no reaction at all.....Have they become meaningless...


How much am I hurting people still, with and blind and selfish actions.......

Again I find myself marvelling at how I am blessed with such wonderful people in my life....when I am feeling lost or down they never cease to make me smile...

The Cleric will happily allow me to humiliate him just to make me smile...and he is always willing to have fun, no matter what...be silly, be serious...it's nice..I know no matter what I do, I never have to worry about what he thinks...he accepts all my bad habits as part of me ..So I spent time drawing on him in Milltown Centre..a worthy undertaking and I am definately starting to see an improvement in my artistic skills, however small.

I am sure Spark is determined to improve my culinary skills also ...that and make me as plump as a headless hen....but after all the meals he's cooked for me I finally managed to cook one for him ..however I am about the worlds worst cook and I am stunned I did not burn myself to a cinder in the process.

Spyne is just an absolute sweetheart...he writes me little peoms that never ever fail to make me smile...and I am sure he does it purely because they do..he's actually quite the poet, and I am so grateful when a bird appears with a message....

All these little moments, messages and events....all these things bring a little smile to my face and make me realise what great people I know...and how much they brighten my life

But still I cannot shake the feeling of unease....I never realised how entwined in my life people are...

It's strange how much you can miss some people....how they come to be a constant in your lives. So integrated into your daily routine, that when they are not there...even if only for a time...you miss their presence...an ache somehwere within you.
You cannot quite put your finger on whats wrong..you wander around doing all your usual daily activities..and every once in a while you notice it...something awry..it's a feeling..not unlike loss I suppose in a sense..but more akin to unease. Not quite whole, or not quite in your entirety...

It takes a long while to realise it's the lack of someones presence thats making you feel so lost. I miss many many people that have been a part of my life at one time or another...but there are few that I miss to such an extent..

There are the ones I miss with a longing...people who are gone from my life for a time...or gone completely..Shorna, Will, Talon, Iso, Boran.....

Then there are others...people I miss on a purely day to day basis...I miss because I have not seen their smile..or frown...

I never realised when I dropped those barriers what would happen to my life....I need people. That was never my way, I always needed companionship, but never specific people....people come and go, in and out of your life...not many stay constant, and I didnt get close to allow people to do so....and yet now

Now there are people who I cannot seem to function without them being part of my life in some way

Some things scar...some of the smallest things scar, and each scar rests atop the next...biting down deeper into the flesh with each fresh cut...each fresh wound, until the scar tissue is so large, so deep...that it is no longer recognisable for anything other

Which am I? The scar tissue...or the knife

I dont know why, perhaps because he left me in such confusion....and then the Cleric pushed me.....and....it wasnt right, it didnt feel right and now ....I am lost about it...confused, lost and I feel...wrong, it all feels wrong......I ...it sent me to the ravine

Promises.....nobody keeps their promises, all is words and dust and nothing more.

People say so much and mean so little...or mean so much and say so little....I am just moving in endless circles

I am incensed....idignant, awed by the audacity of some people....someone asked me to enchant some basic swords today..which I have no problem doing whatsoever. I would stand in dundee all day and enchant swords for the initiates if I could...but they were not to be GIVEN to initiates, they were to be put on the market and SOLD to them ...when I inquired how much for..5plat!!!! 5 plat!!! The swords are 20s, it costs little more than a conversation to get it enchanted..and 5plat!!! 'It goes back into helping equip them'...WHAT? so in order to equip them you initially extort the plat from them to do so...thats not helping an initiate, thats taking advantage of their need and others generosity.

Where did all this greed come from? What posessed everyone to drive prices so high? To glean every single silver they can from each trade?...Do we not fight the same cause? Are we not united against the same evil?...Should we not in truth be trying to keep prices low on the basis that these items are NEEDED to better fight against the hordes of monsters that plague us everyday?...I understand the need to survive...I understand the need for plat....but it is a need, not an addiction, everyone needs to survive...a little plat is nice to have in the pocket...but whats happened to our world has stolen the breath from my lungs.

Supply and demand works in a world where evil is not camped upon our doorstep, pushing at the hinges to come in....We are all on the same side. When we start to divide amongst ourselves, and are driven by our insatiable want for plat instead of our need to aid one another in what is essentially the fight for all our lives....thats the day we fail

When did we all become so blind with greed that the want for plat overcame the greater good?

It just seems endless, nothing I do changes it. I never know where I stand and it's all so blurred...Im so tired of feeling this way..it drains me until I cannot seem to function properly. I keep smiling and moving, but I just seem to be doing things automatically....

I'm not in control of my life anymore, Im not sure if I ever was...I hate the way everything seems strained...nobody every says whats really on their mind anymore...we just skate around the issues until everything is so lost we do not know where we began. How I long for the innocence that granted me the ability to be unguarded...and how I wish that I had the power to gift everyone with innocence

I just move in endless circles, never differing from the path..never reaching my destination...just wearing my way slowly into the earth.

We all did what we thought we needed to do